Home Is The Wild

Something about my hesitation that weighs

Heavy as gravity. 

  Floods me with muddy chaos,

Dissipates.

So

I fight it.

And I fight it.

After two weeks of seemingly endless email exchanges, I finally got my website back! What a rude awakening it is getting back into this space, seeing the last time I wrote here was almost three months ago. 

Time slips away just like that. Quietly, tracelessly. 

As I've disappeared from the blogosphere, the last few months were spent in somewhat brutally honest self reflection and soul searching. Through days of watching my own internal dialogue, I saw hesitation, and lots of it. From things that were as small as how should I plan my errands, to whether I should commit my evening to reading, blogging or painting, I often found myself drifting in a vast sea of "what if's". The casual but mindless contemplations quickly turned into spiraling doubt, indecision, and somehow along the way, fear.

Maybe it was fear of doing the wrong thing. Or perhaps fear of doing the right thing. Fear of doing the hard thing. The things that will change my world which I've only dreamt of but had never prepared for in reality.

But living by fear is no way to live.

So fuck it if I'm doing the wrong thing, the right thing, or the hard thing. Socrates once said "to know thyself is the beginning to wisdom." I believe trusting myself is the first step. 

These photos were quickly snapped in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, right before the springtime rain down poured on us! But in those moments, there was minimal hesitation, only creative bliss.

Wearing: Lace top by Free People, leather shorts by Urban Outfitters, boots by Acne Studios. 

Photos by my lovely friend Marina Zakhrabova.

Even Beauty Fades...

      "There's a blue bird in my heart, but I'm too tough for him"

                                                                 - Charles Bukowski

Funny now things work.

 Through my ups and downs over the years with this blog, I now barely consider it a fashion blog anymore. Seasons and trends all come and go. Having worked in fashion for a couple years now, I almost feel jaded by the growing commerciality of the industry. I found myself moving away from a lot of the craze, designer names, and replicas of "it" looks made popular by media celebrities. For me, the whole point of a creative outlet is to be authentic. And I began to draw inspirations from autobiographical experiences; however random, spontaneous, and non-sensible to others - they are real, and they are mine. 

Though fashion and art still heavily influence my aesthetic, these visual elements have simply become another way to tell a story - stories I may not know how to exactly put into words. It seemed like a natural progression, that this blog has allowed me to get in touch with the intimate and  form of art of photography. Having worked with many different photographers and getting a chance to hear about their passions and creative journeys, I found myself also connecting with photography in a new way.

Beauty fades, youth diminishes. But the feeling that a powerful photograph evokes doesn't go as easily.

These photos are way overdue from early summer, when I found myself stumbling into the charming neighborhood of Gowanus to shoot at Erin and Matt's house. It's been awhile, but I still remember the huge, vibrant green plant in the living room, and their humble and contagious personalities. I loved their story of how they each fell in love with photography, and with each other. 

Erin loved film, so did I. As I rolled around on the floor of their photo studio in that blue vintage Givenchy blouse, I for a moment saw myself traveling back to 1976 in the wilderness beauty of Vermont(where the blouse, amongst a bunch of other vintage treasures, were sourced). There was something especially moving about their photography, Erin and Matt had a special eye for unexpected details, beauty in strange, hidden places. 

Wearing: (first outfit) vintage Givenchy blouse, shorts by Kimchi Blue. (second outfit)top by LF Boutique, leather overalls by VEDA.

I feel so lucky to have worked with talented people like Erin and Matt. People like them who inspire me to also take part in capturing life, in those genuine, sometimes unintentional moments. Will share some of those shots soon in the next post.

I know I'm guilty of forgetting to feel lucky sometimes. Lucky to be young, to have a healthy vision to see colors and light, and to have a desire to dream.