Sleepless Road

Are we a sum of our experiences

or strictly the state of our being at this very moment?

Last Saturday, I finally said goodbye to my job.

What a strange feeling. It was exiting a world beyond the job itself, it was leaving the comfort zone, the work that I identified my very self with for a long time. I knew of the safety net that gripped onto my sense of security, with the promise of a dull everyday existence that I somehow wanted to shake and cling on to at the same time.

We'd all be lying if we said our work doesn't have any impact or influence on our sense of self.

So who am I now, and where do I go from here?

Am I the sum of my desires and passions at this very moment, or my past experiences, triumphs, and errors?

But it doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. The bigger challenge is to decide what to keep and what to leave behind. I can no longer reverse the decisions I regret. So I find myself buried in the sea of my own words, as well as the pages of authors who have a thing or two to say about this process. 

It started with reading about a cartoon hobbyist who drew on the back of business cards. This book got me thinking:

"Somewhere along the line the subject of my career choice came up. Back then I was a bit apprehensive about doing the 'creative' thing for a living... in my family people always had 'real' jobs in corporations and banks, and the idea of breaking with tradition made me pretty nervous.

'Well,' said Tim, 'if you have the creative bug, it isn't ever going to go away. I'd just get used to the idea of dealing with it.'"

Maybe it is that simple.

The funny thing is, I wasn't the only one who felt unfulfilled at my field of work. An evening over cheap Korean food and beers made me realize almost ALL my friends had major dissatisfactions with their jobs. 

Yet almost everyone is reluctant to leave it behind.

It isn't perfect, and won't ever be.

But I could either sit at this desk, and ponder for hours and maybe even days, about what I should be doing based on the direction of my past, or I could focus on living in an honest moment to get on the right track for my present and future. 

Caution: sweat, tears, and rockiness on the road ahead. 

 Wearing: Top by Free People, pants by Pixie Market, Booties by Rag & Bone, thrifted denim jacket via Beacon's Closet.

 Wearing: Top by Free People, pants by Pixie Market, Booties by Rag & Bone, thrifted denim jacket via Beacon's Closet.

Photos shot by the lovely fellow Brooklynite Sara Kuszelewicz.

Thirteen Feet Above

You know by now

How reluctant I am with words,

 

 

I can only write you love letters with my gaze

 

 

Time is but a perception.

The days and nights unfold onto one another, 

Keep me awake at night and find me sound asleep under the sun.

When we wake up,

A kiss is more than just a touch.

Does it or doesn't the state of pure euphoria feel so heavy sometimes?

I guess. In this world full of flaws, imperfections, and our own conflicting ways of selfishness, we prepare for happiness to be always fleeting. 

"Remember what happened the last time?"
"What will it be like if things go wrong?"

We spend our days and hours dissecting the past, pondering about the future. But where is now? 

We lose it. 

We lose it in the reading between every line and scrutinization of every detail. Questions go unanswered. Some of them maybe never meant to be answered. What does the heart say? 

It says to let go and breath. 

So I let go

Picked up the doubts and let them free fall from thirteen feet above,

To see them shatter into pieces.

 

I open my eyes in the morning,

You're still here, breathing gently beside me. 

And my love letter continues.

 

                                                       Wearing: Dress by Reformation, leather jacket by The Kooples, shoes by Rag & Bone

                                                       Wearing: Dress by Reformation, leather jacket by The Kooples, shoes by Rag & Bone

Sun and Moon Collide

"Those who dream by day are more cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." 

- Edgar Allan Poe

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December is here.

It's hard to get used to the sun sneaking away before 5pm even hits. Walking outside every morning, the sunlight feels that much more warm and precious. 

Oh how fleeting these moments are, though.

But that's becoming the speed of the world we live in. It's quick, fast everything. Efficiency defines success, happiness, and desirability. So we keep running, keep chasing the ten million conflicting priorities on our to do list - until our throat is dry and muscles are weary. Especially living in this fast paced city, one of my favorite things to do has been just sitting on a park bench, and soaking up the sun with both eyes closed.

These shots were taken by Erin and Matt of Nothing Matters on the rooftop of their Brooklyn home. Something about the light, wind, and time of day being just right. 

Oh, yeah. I've also thrown in some of my disposable shots in this photo series.

I think even without my knowing conscious, I am somehow always drawn to and fascinated by the contrast between darkness and light. The natural orders of the universe wouldn't be right without one or the other.

But I enjoy finding myself dreaming, both day and night.

                                                       Wearing: dress by Free People 

                                                       Wearing: dress by Free People 

Photography by the lovely and talented Erin and Matt of Nothing Matters